Am I Dirty?
Today’s post is from guest author Sarah Markley. She’s a good friend of the ministry and an incredible writer—found at sarahmarkley.com
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I’ll admit.
Living over six years “clean” I initially shy away from something called “DIRTY GIRLS.”
What if someone sees it on my Facebook wall and doesn’t understand what it means? Or sees me respond via Twitter. What if someone peers through the fog and still makes out the faint “A” on my chest, my Scarlett Letter, the one I’ve tried so hard to move beyond?
I don’t want to be associated with something that’s “dirty” anymore. Six years. Six long years I’ve been clean.
Clean from pornography. From adultery. From all the pride and self-serving attitudes that went along with all of that.
I lived too long pure and un-smudged to be comfortable to take on the designation of dirty once again.
I’ve kept all my emails and internet use completely above board. Everything is public to my husband and to my friends if they wanted to see it. All my text conversations are readily accessible, my phone conversations, my contacts. All of my television watching. Everything. I’ve done all that I can to be disciplined and open with my life, especially in the areas where I’ve crashed and burned in the past.
So Dirty Girls?
Really, Crystal?
But I get it.
I will always be dirty. In reality. My cleanliness has NOTHING to do with what I watch or don’t watch. It has everything to do with the condition of my heart. My heart, when left on its own, will drift back to dirty.
Yes, I won’t view pornography again and I won’t have an extramarital affair, either emotional or physical, but whether or not I’m a DIRTY GIRL has less to do with what do and more to do with what direction I face my heart.
If my life is faced toward the Cross, if that is where I truly place my eyes, then the unkemptness of the world has less of a hold on my heart. I will desire good things and the ick of immorality sicken my stomach.
So am I a Dirty Girl?
Only when I stop caring about Who is important and lose sight of the grace of the Cross.
Sarah–this is brilliant! God just shines so much brighter when we look at our mess up against His snow white awesomeness!
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
oh my goodness – that is what my post is on tomorrow. sort of. =)
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Yes. Yes it is. It is easy for me to go there because although I believe in the Salvation I trust so fully in; those guilty thoughts and self loathing moments are so easily accessible. I wish I could be free and just bask in the Grace – but I struggle daily. So I don’t care if you call me dirty. I know to my core that is exactly what I am.
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 8:30 am
i struggle daily with grace too. thanks for sharing, kristi
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so powerful… we fight so hard to stay clean… when in reality, all of our righteousness is nothing before an incredibly pure and holy God…
i am so tainted in so many ways. motivations that are unpure when i interact w/my husband. thoughts that lack integrity. words that are said with no tact or grace. i so need Christ daily, hourly, minute by minute…
good on you for taking the risk to step back into the dirt to help someone else get clean
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
thank you Jenny. =)
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thanks Crystal for letting me have this opportunity. it’s an honor!!
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Crystal Renaud Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 8:52 pm
you beautifully articulate the vision of dirty girls ministries in such a way that i couldn’t even do. love it. love you.
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i love this. you’re so great, sarah!
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I thank God we have all been saved by grace and “cleaned up”. I think it’s very good to keep short accounts with the Lord but I’m of the opinion that we do more beating up on ourselves than God does. After all, He promises to “forget our sins as far as the East is from the West.” While it’s good to remember what we’ve been saved from it’s all to easy to get beat up by our past if we let it.
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Sarah, I have been reading your blog for awhile now and have always admired your transparency. God has used your story to touch me in so many ways! My first marriage didn’t survive my husband or my dirty flaws. Even though God has been SO gracious, so kind, so loving to provide me with a Godly husband now, I don’t take it for granted that I once had that scarlet letter too. And now I am {free}… my eyes fixed on Jesus! Isn’t Grace amazing?!!!
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Beautiful, as always, Sarah.
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I don’t as much struggle with “dirty” as I do with “unworthy.” But maybe fundamentally, I just do feel dirty. I’m struggling through and no man may ever want me. I won’t be accepted because who would want to love somebody like me?
Well, I struggle and wrestle through thoughts like that every day. When will I be lovable? When I’m married? When I’m sober every single day of my life? I hope to myself that I am lovable now and I keep telling myself that even when I don’t feel it.
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 9:17 pm
only Christ can give us the worth that we have. it’s hard, because it is a daily struggle for me too – feeling worthy. but when i walk towards Christ, it seems easier to feel my own worth in light of what he’s done for me.
thank you so much for being honest.
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great post.
being duuuurty is not so bad.
coz even Jesus said…who has been forgiven much loves much.
and this is WHY i love Him much.
because i was very very very dirty. and everyday i still have spots and blemishes He is wiping away. and im thankful for His blood that is able to wash me clean.
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
that’s one of my favorite things jesus said. i cling to that every day.
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Jessica Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Amen sister! I love that verse, it gives such hope. I am so gracious that He was willing so long ago so that we can have benefit of His wonderful gifts.
Thank You Sarah! Awesome Post!
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Such a beautiful post. I think we are all dirty in some ways. And I think we all struggle with being clean and staying clean. It is hard. But it is oh so worth it. You are amazing.
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
thank you Christi. =)
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Yes. I think once you have any addiction it will always be there, but we can choose to allow it to be an open wound, where we constantly feed the addiction, or we can choose for it to be a scar, where we neglect that weakness our soul constantly craves for. Having a scar kind of sucks though because it is a constant battle that sometimes I think I will never be able to escape.
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
i agree. the scar is easier to deal with than the wound but it never really goes away.
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Crystal Renaud Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 9:20 pm
and a scar can serve as a reminder of where we’ve been, can be used to show others that we know where they’ve been and as inspiration to not return to where we were. so while scars can be ugly—they have immense purpose.
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Yes…it is too easy to drift into dirty! Although my own smudges have not been about pornography, I have broken all the 10 Commandments at one time or another…including adultery, abortion, idolatry, etc. I am so ashamed of the old me, but incredibly amazed that His Blood washed me clean! If I don’t put Him in the front of my mind at all times there is no hope for me. He is amazing.
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
there is always hope, and yes, he IS amazing.
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excellent thoughts, i too have hesitated at one point or another with the ‘dirty girls’ label. but it’s a good reminder that only Christ can make us clean.
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Sarah Markley Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 9:13 pm
yay! yes, only Christ can make us clean. =)
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Great post Sarah! You have voiced much of what runs around in my head on a regular basis. I appreciate once again your honesty. Yes it is far too easy to drift back to dirty when we take our eyes off the Cross and all the redemption represented in Christ’s suffering. Thank you for the reminder that He has cleaned me up but its only by looking to Him can I keep from drifting back to dirty. Thanks for sharing.
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If we were not so dirty. we would not be in need for such a Savior! Gotta love that!
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I struggle with this porn addiction so much. The happy-go-lucky girl I am rejects the thought of being anything else than a normal, happy teenager. Look at my life! I have so many wonderful people surrounding me. I have God, who always has my back, though sometimes it’s hard to believe he does. But I keep coming back to it. This thing. This ugly, terrible core of myself that feels like it will never change. Thoughts? Stories? Suggestions? I’m open to anything. I just want to turn this around.
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How on earth did you get past impure thoughts and pornography? This is something that I battle with daily, as a single woman who’s never been married. I’ve had sexual relationships in the past that have gone no where, and I’ve been celibate for a little over 5 years now. But I still battle with being ‘dirty’ because of some of the imagery I allow myself to see, and the thoughts I have. How do I get over that?
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That’s true. I’m new to this site and have been struggling for too many years with porn. After reading your blog post, I must confess that I still cringe at the term “Dirty Girl”. For me it stirs up feelings of shame and guilt at wallowing in the muck for so long. Your blog however reminds me however hat I am clean in Christ and that it is my heart that needs to be made clean first before any bad habit gets really resolved. Thanks for that reminder.
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